Don't lose yourself to get along...

The child in us, the one with all the dreams and the one that comes up with all the ideas is an insecure and lonely child. We often need validation for our thoughts and actions from people immediately around us.  I was a shy person till 1oth standard & was unable to make many friends like the other students because one thing that restricted me for approaching others was the idea that I am not cool enough to hang out with certain people. Why would anyone interact with me?

Nobody is born shy or an outgoing person; you get shaped like one or the other from the people around you. You might wonder what makes someone shy; it all starts with an inferiority complex. Shyness and introversion are commonly mistaken as being the same thing. Shyness is when a person enjoys being in crowd but feels too scared to talk to them, whereas introversion refers to a person who doesn’t enjoy being around people or prefers lone time.

What really makes you cool? For 22 year old me, a person is cool if he sees beyond appearance, isn’t materialistic so basically someone who isn’t shallow. Back in school, being super immature what most students think the vehicle they use, which mobile do they have, the shows they watch, where do they go to vacations makes them cool. You know how this works.

There is a peer pressure among the kids to match with the popular kids just to have something in common for the sake of feeling like one of them. People have this mentality that if I could convince my father to buy me an iPhone, this will get me attention of those certain people. Being conscious about people in gym, I need to dress up in nike outfits to get along. How can I say no for weed? That will totally kill my image. Why is everyone talking about the Coldplay concert and I haven’t even heard of him. Goes home, googles coldplay & listen every song available on the internet & fucking memorise it for god’s sake due to fear of getting ignored if this comes up next time.

We're all prone to comparing what we have to what our friends and family have, and then worrying about how those objects might reflect on us as people. We often complain about people judging us, right! But did you ever notice whether they judge us or not we still try hard to impress people around us? It sounds horrible, but we all do it to some extent, even if we don't go overboard.

In this whole process of changing yourself to adapt to the other person’s requirement, people lose who they actually are. Same goes with people in relationships, one of them is trying too hard to match the interests, habits, mood swings of the other person & we all know how this ends. Either you will give up taking a plunge in your self-worth or the other person gets tired of your desperation. It will take you some bad experiences to realise you were more involved in that relationship & taken for granted. How can I frame this in a nice & subtle way? Worrying about losing people & trying harder is fucking you up. Manipulating someone’s perception about you is exhausting.

You have to be ok with the fact that not everyone will like you and you also won’t like everyone. Stop stressing yourself out. But look around; there are also many people who admire you for being you. Come out of your approval seeking habit & stand for things like you don’t care about watching Game of thrones or some shitty popular movie. It is totally fine if your prefer bollywood songs; there are many people out there (including me) who will agree that hindi songs give all the feels, stop pretending to like english songs. Stay away from people who judge you for watching Tollywood movie (don’t include me in this, not a fan); as long as you enjoy watching it, don’t bother. Be a proud Desi. If you don’t have anything in common, don’t blame yourself for that nor try to cover it up. You can still make friends & meet people who respect the differences. 

Above was for interests of a person, let’s talk about materialistic things. Think about the last time you really wanted something. Let's say it's a shiny new iPhone or that car. When you wanted it, you probably couldn't think of much else. When you eventually get that iPhone, you sit and admire it the first few times you interact with. As time goes on, that iPhone means less and less to you.

Now instead of thinking about that iPhone, think about the school picnic you went on with your friends even if it was at some shitty place. Chances are that day makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when that iPhone makes you feel nothing at all. The reason is that we tend to value experiences over objects, even if we don't think we do.

None of this means you need to get rid of all the things, it’s just an explanation of why we are so prone to buy things when we don’t really need them. If you are a tech geek, maybe buying that phone is something you love to do. If you really enjoy speed its great if you are buying a sports car.

To sum it up, anything is fine as long as you are doing it just for you. If you really have to brag about all the material things to your life, there probably isn’t much else to it. If material things are what you are talking about when you say “I am blessed” You have no idea what a blessing is.

So maybe stop trying to surround yourself with shallow minded people and look for people who actually get you and see yourself for the awesome person that you are. Don’t lose yourself to get along…

If you have ever been so shy or know someone who does, make them read this piece even if there’s  a slightest chance this will change their perspective. Also let me know in the comments what stupid things you have done to make friends or get into a relationship.

Motivational Speakers, Really ?

Have you ever been to a motivational session, be it live or virtual which made you feel good about yourself (for a few hours) and convinced you that you could be the next big thing?

Two days after, there you are still living your miserable life in which nothing has changed wondering why? Welcome my friend, this post is dedicated to us bunch of losers.

It all starts with a charismatic speaker who woos you with all the achievement he has made in his life followed by the regular – I had nothing & now see where I am today (acting like he’s more enlightened than everyone else). They get to us because we are all crying out for something different. Society is creaking up the pressure of ‘achievement’.

Also I think it has a lot to do with Coming of Age movies telling you to quit college, job and travel the world. I know the iconic Steve jobs dropped out of college because he believed colleges are worthless, but guess what even today if you need a job in Apple Inc you need a fucking degree (Not denying the fact that being skillful helps).   

One thing I don’t know what obsession these speakers have with “YES YOU CAN”. No you cannot!! You cannot just get anything you wish for- just accept the fact not everybody is special. One needs Talent, skills and bit of luck too.

I have friends who pay thousands to attend seminar of Sneh Desai, Sandeep Maheshwari, Vivek Bindra. I'm not hating on these speakers, or people who love his events. I'm just defending a viewpoint few people ever bring up in public: the negative experience.

Most people are hesitant to talk about experiences that make us sound foolish. We diminish our losses; we downplay the bad stuff - especially if it goes against the crowd.

Take Sunburn event for example, hardly anyone says, "I spent 5000. It was a waste of time and money."

We always say, "It was Fucking Crazy. #WORTH IT.”

My all time favorite you all know what I'm talking about; the famous "SECRET".  It's no secret that it's a lie from top to bottom.  There is no law of attraction between your thoughts and the yacht that you're hoping outer space is going to provide you with.

No matter how long are you going to imagine your yacht and draw a picture of it or tattoo one on your chest, you will not get a yacht unless you have a wealthy inheritance(*coughs* Ambani) or you work on yourself instead of listening to someone whose job is to tell people how to get rich FAST?.  

Oh of course they will trick you and really sound intelligent by doing so: "The universe will bring you this wished-for object in the most energy efficient way possible."  No shit Sherlock.  How am I going to know how efficient it is?  Should I waste my life applying this Secret, with the universe giving me the finger because it decided it's not energetically efficient? Why does the universe seem to work more efficiently for others?  

One of the stupidest thing I have heard is, something I am sure you are all familiar with:

DANCE- as though no one is watching you.

LOVE- as though you have never been hurt before.

SING- as though no one can hear you.

LIVE as though heaven is on earth.

No you don't do any of these things.  All this pathetic excuse is to make one happy to wallow in mediocrity and to live without care.

 
No you do not dance as though nobody's watching, you dance because you want everybody watching and appreciating the beauty you are creating. 

You do not love as though you've never been hurt before.  Past negative experiences do change the whole person.

DO NOT sing as though no one can hear you, because guess what? They can. You can enjoy yourself singing on your own of course, but if you have an audience, think about them too.  You have a responsibility towards them as well.

Do not live as though heaven is on earth.  If that were true you would be walking around naked with feathered wings.

These motivational speakers are no different from religious cult leaders who do not practice what they preach. Personally, I like my heroes humble. Warren Buffett who is worth over 89 billion hardly boasts his riches. He still lives in his original home in Nebraska and drives his old car. He does not have any sort of motivational material. He’s too busy with real work and why I think the best role models are the ones in your industry. People who have actually accomplished a big deal. If you’re in finance, find someone successful in finance. If you’re in design, find a successful designer to look upon. Above all, what most of us found from being in these motivational cults is that it was always inside you. You don’t have to pay thousands of dollars to find that out.  Just believe in yourself.

But – and there is a big but – don’t take my word for it. I’m not your guru. You have to become your own guru.